Author's Note: I am considered "Bilingual," even though I can barely express myself in English with words instead of memes. I speak fluent American English (Detroit / Midwestern dialect) and Mandarin Chinese. People often tell me that I am an excellent Translator. Still, it always strikes me as HILARIOUS how much languages can differ when it comes to humor and slang. There are more English slang words for money than I can count, and the English word for "fire" (which is my favorite Chinese character: 火) ALSO means more things than I can keep track of.
Even though I've lived in Seattle for over SEVEN years, I STILL can't decode much of what Seattlites say, let alone what the heck their intentions are. (Sorry Seattle, but I only speak Detroit, where the people are tough and mean what they say.) If you stick around to the very end of this audio recording, you'll hear some off-the-cuff comments about the frustration of translating between Chinese and English!
The setting is at a fairly fancy pool party for the cool people of Seattle. Everybody is schmoozing and having a good time. A native Seattlite is speaking with a newly released, highly impressive A.I. / robot that is the toast of the party.
HUMAN: DAAANNNG, that girl is ON FIRE! I didn't know she could get that hot! I kinda wanna throw her into the pool, though, since she snubbed me.
ROBOT: That would be inappropriate. People are not fires, and you should not throw water on them, OR throw them into water.
HUMAN: But like, what if I really, really, REALLY want to do it?
ROBOT: Irrelevant. You should not throw water on people. It is rude, and they will be upset with you.
HUMAN: But what if they're, like, really really HOT?
ROBOT: Irrelevant. They have not reached the internal temperature of an actual fire.
HUMAN: Well yes, BUT sometimes they BEHAVE like a raging garbage fire. Does that count?
ROBOT: Did they deliver a sick burn?
HUMAN: Oh yeah. I'm covered in sick burns. They were way harsh.
ROBOT: Your skin will be fine. Your ego and self-confidence will never recover.
HUMAN: So um, Sempai hasn't noticed me at all for 6 whole weeks—
Robot: SILENCE! Stop talking like a piece of weeb trash, or I will be forced to throw you into a literal garbage fire.
HUMAN: I mean… Hey, if that's what it actually takes...!
ROBOT: The FIRES OF THE WORLD are judging you so hard right now.
HUMAN: So I have a bunch of hot fires judging me. Whatever! Things could be worse.
ROBOT: You should be more careful, or else you will get burnt many more times. The FIRES OF THE WORLD are throwing a party later this week, and you are not invited.
HUMAN: Dang. That hurts my feelings. :C
ROBOT: There, there. It would be too hot for you to handle.
*Additional author’s commentary at the end of the recording.