This article attempts to aide and guide your conversations so that they will always be productive and never one-sided. I am aware that this is an exceedingly difficult goal to maintain at all times, but I believe we should all try our hardest to be “perfect” for each other!Read More
When I learned that you had won the nomination, I scream-cried like that time I was six years old and Simba’s dad died in the wildebeest stampede while saving his only son so HOW does one not cry
Your overall appearance and presence is that of an Oompah-Loompah if he sold LIES instead of CANDY and terrifying childhood nightmares
WHY MUST YOU EXIST and WHAT THE WHAT is this racist crock of shit that you call a political platform?! Your FACE is a SMUSHED-UP Peter Pettigrew with decidedly less hair, and you are every bit as DUPLICITOUS as he
you lack splendor, you have no integrity to speak of and ALL of your hairs are askew
YOUR ENTIRE DEAL, THE WHOLENESS OF WHAT YOU ARE AND EVERYTHING YOU REPRESENT, I DO NOT LIKE IT I WILL NOT ACCEPT IT I WILL NOT EAT GREEN EGGS AND HAM. ARE YOU EFFING SERIOUS WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?? HOLY SHITSNACKS WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE WHO SUPPORT YOU ARRGGGHHHH
SO HELP ME GOD I will vanquish you with the strength and fortitude of a dozen Studio Ghibli female characters
Like gurl I get it and I’m TOTES disappointed too (don’t kill me Rawddy) that Bernie Sanders is out of the running
But aren’t we ALL disappointed that modern Political Discourse is so polarized that RATINGS and SHOCK VALUE now trump (pun not intended) basic REASON and HUMAN DECENCY?
On the other hand, we’re kind of low on options and time so this is going to become a State of National Emergency if we can't collectively decide to oust a fuck-stupid blonde orangutan from the Presidency
I mean yeah I get that Hilary Clinton’s a Politician Who Says All The Right Things, but come on guys wouldn’t a first-ever female president be at least pretty friggin' cool
LIKE WOULD SHE NOT BE AT LEAST PREFERABLE TO “THE DONALD"
we must, WE MUST band together and vote against The Donald (no, NOT that cool duck that hung out with Sora in Kingdom Hearts, this Donald is more like that other duck who swam in money like a miser-hoarder)
we must band together or be in a band together or throw a party so we can work out how to prevent The Donald Presidency
and we can play eight-person Smash Bros and fight over possession of the Super Smash Power-up
and we can loudly sing the lyrics to Barenaked Ladies’ “One Week” like every nerdy teenager in the 90s
CHICKITY CHINA THE CHINESE PEOPLE HATE YOU DONALD TRUMP BECAUSE YOU KEEP TALKING ABOUT CHINA AS IF YOU KNOW THINGS BUT YOU DON'T
YOU KNOW NOTHING JON SNOW, I MEAN DONALD TRUMP
YOU KNOW NOTHING AND YOU WILL NOT WIN, YOU CAN NOT WIN OR ELSE I AM BOARDING THE FIRST BOAT FROM SEATTLE TO VICTORIA, BC AND RENOUNCING THE U.S. CITIZENSHIP THAT MY CHINESE-BORN FIRST-GENERATION IMMIGRANT FAMILY FOUGHT TIRELESSLY FOR OVER 15 FREAKING YEARS
...… *mic drop*
Edit after 11/8/2016: To inject the tiniest amount of humor on an awful result, I feel like this clip from The Venture Bros. best sums up how I feel, as a Henchman: "Wow... that sucked."
Games are supposed to be relaxing and fun, right? Everyone likes games, right?? It’s not like a game’s ending could ever make you cry your heart out and question the way you’ve been living for the better part of your adult life, so let’s do this thing! C’mon grab your friends, it'll be FUN!
Without further ado, the following is a list of reasons why your emotions are volatile and nobody understands you. Choose the one that best suits your ADVENTURE!
- BECAUSE THE WALLS YOU HAVE BUILT AROUND YOURSELF ARE SO HIGH AND IMPENETRABLE THAT IN ORDER TO BREACH THEM ONE WOULD NEED THE EMOTIONAL EQUIVALENT OF NAPALM
- BECAUSE YOU ARE LOATHE TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF TO ANYBODY EVER DUE TO A COMBINATION OF LAZINESS AND ABJECT FEAR
- BECAUSE YOU EXPECT OTHER PEOPLE TO BE UNDERSTANDING OF THE FACT THAT YOU SOMETIMES MAKE GODAWFUL DECISIONS, YET YOU DO NOT AFFORD THEM THE SAME PATIENCE IN RETURN
- BECAUSE YOU RESENT HAVING TO BE THE ONE WHO CALLS FIRST, ESPECIALLY SINCE THIS PERSON ALLEGEDLY SNUBBED YOU THAT ONE TIME 4 MONTHS AGO AT A PARTY SO THEY MUST HATE YOU FOREVER, IT COULDN’T BE THAT THEY WERE JUST TIRED THAT DAY
- BECAUSE YOU’VE FAILED TO REALIZE THAT YOU, LIKE EVERY OTHER HUMAN ADULT, REQUIRE OCCASIONAL / UNSOLICITED EXPRESSIONS OF LOVE AND APPRECIATION, YET YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO COMMUNICATE THIS TO OTHER ADULTS (WHO ALSO HAVE NO EFFING CLUE WHAT TO DO WITH THEIR FEELINGS)
- BECAUSE YOU LIVE IN SEATTLE, A CITY COMPRISED OF SOCIALLY RETARDED, WELL-MEANING INTROVERTS WHO ALL JUST NEED TO GET LAID
- BECAUSE EVERYONE IN YOUR LIFE (INCLUDING YOU) HAS THE EMOTIONAL MATURITY OF A JUDD APATOW CHARACTER, THEREFORE YOU REQUIRE AN EPIPHANY AND A SASSY BEST FRIEND TO HELP YOU GET OUT OF THIS FUNK
- BECAUSE YOU FEEL THE NEED TO THROW YOURSELF AT OTHER PEOPLE’S PROBLEMS EVEN THOUGH THEY NEVER ASKED YOU TO, THEN YOU GET ANGRY AT ALL THE GOODWILL YOU’VE WASTED ON THE UNGRATEFUL BASTARD WHO WON’T EVEN ACCEPT YOUR SAINTLY ASSISTANCE
- BECAUSE YOU AREN’T EATING ENOUGH KALE, HAVE YOU TRIED KALE? IT’S A SUPERFOOD ALSO CHIA SEEDS — HAVE YOU TRIED CHIA SEEDS? ST. JOHN’S WORT? GETTING LAID??
- BECAUSE YOU FOOLISHLY BELIEVE THAT CALLING FIRST AND PLANNING A SOCIAL EVENT SOMEHOW SIGNALS THAT YOU ARE DESPERATE AND LACKING IN FRIENDS, THUS YOU HAVE DECIDED TO STAY IN AND BINGE-WATCH TEN EPISODES OF “ARCHER” CUZ THAT’S WHAT GROWNUPS DO ON A SUNDAY
- BECAUSE YOU AREN’T GETTING ENOUGH SUNSHINE AND VITAMIN D — OH THAT’S RIGHT YOU LIVE IN SEATTLE — HAHAHAHA YEAH OKAY GOOD LUCK WITH THAT
- PERHAPS YOU ARE GLUTEN OR PEANUT OR ALCOHOL INTOLERANT? BUT EVEN IF YOU'RE ABLE TO INHALE EVERY EDIBLE THING IN EXISTENCE LIKE A HUMAN GARBAGE DISPOSAL YOU SHOULD STILL GET THAT CHECKED OUT, I DUNNO MAN I’M JUST SAYIN’
Moment of truth: Which answer did you pick? Your choice will determine the fate of your character’s path—
Oh wait never mind, you lost the game because there is no good answer. Better luck next time!
(Did you at least learn something about yourself? Okay, now go improve your interpersonal relationships!)