The "Perfect" Conversational Script: American English Edition

This article attempts to aide and guide your conversations so that they will always be productive and never one-sided. I am aware that this is an exceedingly difficult goal to maintain at all times, but I believe we should all try our hardest to be “perfect” for each other!

 

AUTHOR’S NOTE: 

(I mean, technically nothing’s perfect but I try my hardest but that’s okay because life is a never-ending battle and I’m not tired yet at 7:43AM on a Wednesday) 


In response to a WRONG assumption that the another person has made, do not say any variation of “you are wrong” or “I know better” in any language. Do not say it in English. Do not say it in Chinese. Do not say it in Sarcasm.

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/wrong

Instead, respond with a question phrased like the following:

“Are you sure?” (Gentle)

“You think so?” (Prodding)

“Why do you believe that?” (Slightly antagonistic)

“Why can’t you see it any other way?!” (Angry/Disappointed)

Then go from there. Take frequent breaks and DRINK LOTS OF WATER !!!

GOOD COMPLIMENTS ACKNOWLEDGE EFFORT

  1. Some variation of, “I appreciate how much effort you put into looking good!” (General)

  2. Some variation of, "I really appreciate that you are always so careful and methodical in your pursuit of all things good!"

GOOD INSULTS DELIVER TOUGH LOVE

  1. You’re being kind of a huge dick right now

  2. You’re being very self-absorbed right now

  3. You’re not seeing the big picture

  4. In bird language, this would be considered “a dick move”

  5. “Does this LITERALLY need to be done YOUR way RIGHT NOW?”

BAD INSULTS TEAR YOU DOWN

  1. You’re being such a try-hard

    1. Why is it a bad thing to try hard?

    2. Did you expect that it would be easy?

  2. You’re such a wannabe

    1. Why is it bad to WANT to be something more than what you currently are?

    2. Why is it bad to WANT, in general? It’s not a zero sum game. We can rise up together.

  3. You’re overcompensating

    1. DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING

    2. My eyesight is very very bad. I’m really glad I have contact lenses now.

      1. YEAH NO SHIT

      2. WOWWWWWWWWW

      3. IT’S ALMOST LIEK, I DUNNO

      4. BLINDNESS IS BAD OR SOMETHING

      5. WUBBALUBBADUBDUB

      6. WHOOP THERE IT IS

      7. IT’S ALMOST LIKE TALL MEN GET MORE RESPECT

      8. AND BEAUTIFUL WOMEN GET BETTER TREATMENT

      9. AND IT’S ALMOST LIKE, I DON’T FUCKING KNOW

      10. THE REST OF US WANTED SOME RESPECT AND BETTER TREATMENT

      11. NO SHIT SHERLOCK

      12. WELL, IT’S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE

      13. “In bird language, please”

      14. (Let’s get ready to partaaayyyyy)

Did you learn a lot about communication and the ways of the world? Okay, now go BE HONEST regarding your own feelings and lived experiences! JUST BE HONEST!!